Disclaimers:  I don’t own anything.

Author’s notes:  Here’s part four.  I think I went over the deep end with using Quatre’s empathetic abilities.  You know, that
space heart thing.  But you tell me what you think.


Painful Memories
Part 4

Heero paced, something he rarely ever did.  He never felt nervous, had never worried about the other pilots before.  But this was
different.  He had hurt Duo and now Duo was gone.  It had been over three days, with no word from the long-haired pilot.

He was sure now that something had happened.  Duo would never just take off like this without telling someone, without calling
to tell one of them where he was.  He would, at the very least, call Quatre so that the blonde wouldn’t worry.  But there had
been no calls, no messages.  Duo was just gone and no one knew where he was.  

“Heero?”  Quatre asked, stepping into the room.

“What?”  Heero snapped, although he had tried to keep his anger back.  This was all his fault, he knew it.  If he had said
something, anything to Duo, he wouldn’t have left.

“We’re going to run another search.”  Quatre said, quietly.  “I thought you’d want to come.”

Heero lowered his gaze, but kept his voice at its usual monotone.  “Thank you.”  He replied.

Quatre smiled.  “Don’t worry, we’ll find him.”

“What makes you think I’m worried?”  Heero asked, his gaze fixed on the blonde.

“I can see it just as clearly as day.  I know you love him.”  Quatre replied, smiling slightly.

Heero turned away.  He had been trying to keep his feelings under control, trying to hide the fact that he was worried about
Duo.  The other pilots didn’t need to know about his emotions.  It was none of their business anyway.  

“Is it so obvious?”  He asked, embarrassed by the fact that Quatre knew.

“To me it is, but I doubt anyone else knows.  I just have a strong intuition for these types of things.”

Heero stepped past Quatre, into the hallway.  “So, where are we searching today?”  He asked, wanting to change the subject.  
His emotions were not a subject he wished to discuss with anyone right now, not even with Quatre.

“Just one of the dozens of possible routes Duo could have taken.”  Wufei said.

Heero hadn’t noticed him before.  He hoped the Chinese pilot hadn’t heard the short conversation he and Quatre had finished
only a few seconds ago.  Heero glared at him, as he passed by Wufei.  

“Let’s take the exit in the hangar.  I want to start from the beginning this time.”  Heero stated.  No one argued.

They walked to the hangar, starting from the beginning, as they attempted to track which way Duo had gone.  Heero couldn’t
help but notice that Trowa wasn’t there.  

“Where’s Trowa?”  He asked, although he didn’t really care.  All he cared about was finding out where Duo was, hoping that
the pilot didn’t hate him.

“He’s on the phone with Hilde, asking her once again if she knows of anywhere Duo might go.”  Wufei answered in a bored

Behind him, he heard Quatre gasp, and he turned to face the other pilot.  Heero was confused by the sight before him.  Quatre
was kneeling on the floor beside the Deathscythe, clutching his chest with one of his hands, his other hand resting on the

“Are you okay?”  Heero asked, not taking a step toward the young man.

“I tripped.”  Quatre mumbled, his breaths coming in short ragged gasps.  

He stood and tried to walk past Heero without a further explanation, but Heero stopped him. Heero knew something was wrong.  
He grasped Quatre’s shoulder when the pilot got close enough.

“What aren’t you telling me?”  Heero asked.

“I just got a feeling when I passed by Duo’s Gundam, that’s all.”  Quatre whispered, avoiding eye contact.

“What kind of a feeling?”  Wufei asked.

“Pain.  I felt a great sadness, intense feelings of self-hatred.  I felt Duo’s heartache.”  Quatre said, his voice so low it was almost

Heero turned away, not wanting to hear anymore.  He already knew that he had hurt Duo.  He didn’t need Quatre to remind him
of how stupid he had been, how much of a coward he was.  He left the compound quickly, the others following close behind

They walked along the streets of the city, only a few miles away from the base. Quatre was leading the way.  Heero knew
Quatre had a good intuition about things like this, so he trusted in the other pilot’s abilities, no matter how strange it appeared.

Suddenly, Quatre just stopped in the middle of the sidewalk.  “What is it?”  Heero asked from behind him.

Quatre turned, his brow furrowed.  “There was something . . .  Duo was here, I’m sure of it.  But I don’t know where to go
from here.”

“Anything else?”  Heero asked.

Quatre put his hand to his heart, clutching at the cloth of his shirt tightly.  “Fear.  A terrible aching terror.  And then a sudden
blackness.”  Quatre murmured.

Wufei pulled at his sleeve.  “Let us get you back to the base.  You do not appear well.”  He said, his voice never wavering from
its usual tone.

Heero didn’t know if the Chinese pilot believed what Quatre had said, and really he didn’t care.  Heero believed that Quatre had a
sixth sense about these things, that the young blonde could feel other people’s pain.  If that sense helped to find Duo, then he
would believe anything.

Quatre didn’t argue as he was led away, back to the base.  It was obvious that they weren't going to find Duo today.  The sun
was already beginning to set.  They should have started earlier, should have tried this route before.  Besides, there was no trace
of the missing pilot, no clues to go by.  

Tomorrow, Heero would come back and talk to people.  He would ask anyone around if they had seen Duo, show his picture
around.  Maybe if he was lucky, someone might have seen him.


Duo lay on the cold stone floor, his body curled into the fetal position, blood staining his pale thighs.  He had only been here
three days, but to him it was a lifetime.  It was an eternity of nothing but pain and torment, as he was subjected to his worst
nightmares, his own personal hell.

He had already given up the hope of ever being rescued.  That idea had disappeared over a day ago.  Heero probably didn’t even
notice that he was gone, wouldn’t care even if he did.  Besides, if the others had any way of knowing where he was, they would
have gotten him out by now.

His body was used and abused.  Carl was trying to break him, to get him back to the way he used to be, a terrified child willing
to do anything that Carl wished.  His body was covered in bruises, in cuts and scratches.  But there was nothing too serious.  
No, Carl didn’t want to leave any permanent marks on Duo’s body, it was too valuable to him.  However, just because there
wasn’t too much damage to his body, didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt.  Carl knew how to cause pain without ever leaving a
mark.  It was something that Duo had learned long ago.

Duo’s body hurt so much.  And that was all he felt anymore.  He couldn’t feel the cold, or the touch of Carl’s hands when he
used him.  There was only pain and nothing more.  

He struggled against it, not wanting to give in.  He couldn’t let Carl break him, couldn’t go back to being nothing like he had
been as a child.  He had to stay strong.

But it was getting so hard.  He wanted to give in, wanted desperately for the pain to stop.  Every day it was as if a wave was
crashing over him and breaking away his will like the sand on a beach.

Carl knelt next to him.  “I can make the pain stop Duo.  All you have to do is tell me.  Give in and all the pain will stop.”

He waved a syringe in front of Duo’s eyes.  Duo knew what was in that.  It was a way out, but not a way that Duo was willing
to take, not yet anyway.  He didn’t want to do that to his body, to let himself be controlled by Carl in such a way.

“Never.”  Duo struggled to gasp out, as his body shuddered from the intense pain.

Carl smiled.  “Fine.  It’s only a matter of time before you’re mine again.  I can wait.”

Duo closed his eyes, as Carl left.  He just wanted it to end, wanted all the pain to stop.  It was almost unbearable.  But he
wouldn’t let Carl control him.  He would rather die, than go back to being nothing more than a toy to be used by that bastard and
his clients.


Trowa pushed himself away from the desk, not wanting to look at that computer screen anymore.  He had spent hours
searching police records for any mention of a person meeting Duo’s description being in or near any accidents in the past week.  
But there had been nothing.  

He rubbed his eyes, wearily.  He was tired of this.  They weren’t getting anywhere, weren’t any closer to finding Duo than they
had been a week ago.  He took his hands away from his eyes and sighed, wishing Duo had left some trace.

Arms wrapped around his neck, and he turned to see Quatre standing over him.  “Anything?”  Quatre asked, his voice hopeful.

“No.”  Trowa replied.  He let out another sigh, as he watched Quatre’s eyes fill with sadness.

“Why would Duo just leave like this, without telling anyone?”  Quatre asked, taking his arms away from Trowa and turning

Trowa wished he could tell Quatre, but he just couldn’t betray Duo’s trust like that.  Duo had shared his secret with Trowa and
he had made him promise not to tell anyone.  That was a promise Trowa meant to keep.  But he had to tell Quatre something.  
He had to know about what had happened between Duo and Heero.  Trowa had been keeping it to himself for a week, he had to
tell someone.

“He told Heero that he loved him, and Heero just left him without saying anything.”  Trowa replied, crossing his arms over his

“What?”  Quatre gasped, turning back to face Trowa.

“My guess is that Duo left because of a broken heart.”

“But Heero loves him.  Why didn’t he tell him that?”  Quatre replied.

Now it was Trowa’s turn to be surprised.  “Heero loves him?  Are you sure?”

“Believe me, I’m positive.  He didn’t deny it when I told him that I knew he loved Duo.”  Quatre stated, as he once again
wrapped his arms around Trowa, and Trowa returned the embrace.  

Even though his mind was preoccupied with worry over Duo, Trowa relished the feel of his lover’s warm body against his.  He
wished that someday Duo would feel that contentment, that he and Heero would someday be as happy as Trowa and Quatre

Trowa silently yelled at himself for being so hard on Heero a week ago.  He had known that Heero had been sorry about not
saying anything to Duo, when he had confessed his love for Heero.  But if he had known that Heero did love Duo, he wouldn’t
have snapped like he had.  But then he tried to think of why Heero hadn’t told Duo that he felt that way.  

Then it came to him.  Heero was trained to see his emotions as a needless distraction.  He wouldn’t have known how to react
when Duo confessed his feelings so suddenly.  It would have been a total shock for someone who was just beginning to feel
again, like Heero was.

Trowa stepped away, letting Quatre’s arms fall away from him.  “I’m going to go for a walk.”  He said, smiling slightly.

Quatre smiled at him, and nodded.  “Don’t be too long.”

“I won’t.”  Trowa replied, as he left the room.

He walked through the halls, knowing he had to apologize to Heero for his harsh words.  He stepped up to Heero’s door, and

“Who is it?”  Heero asked, from the other side.

“It’s Trowa.  Can I come in?”  

The door opened slightly, and Trowa pushed it the rest of the way.  Stepping into Heero’s room, Trowa glanced around.  The
lights were off, making the room incredibly dark.  The only light came from the hallway behind him.

Trowa reached over to the wall beside the door and flicked on the light switch.  To his surprise, he saw Heero sitting on the bed
that he knew was Duo’s.  The blankets and sheets were rumpled, suggesting that Heero had spent some time sleeping in that bed.

“What do you want?”  Heero asked, his voice the same as usual.

“I just came to apologize.”  Trowa said.

“For what?”  Heero stood, and stared at Trowa.

Trowa couldn’t help but feel slightly embarrassed, but he didn’t let it show on his face.  “For what I said a week ago.  I had no
idea that you loved Duo when I said those things.”

Heero turned away from Trowa and walked back over to the bed.  He sat, resting his arms on his knees as he slumped forward.  
“I tried to push the feelings away for so long.  I guess for too long.”  Heero said, staring straight ahead of him.

Trowa stayed where he was, not really knowing what to do.  He was completely shocked that Heero had even said that to him.  
The Perfect Soldier was actually talking about his feelings.

Trowa shook off the shock he felt, and said, “When we find him, you can tell him how you feel.”  

Heero looked up at him but his face never showed any hint of emotion.  “He’s never coming back.  I know that.  I wasted my
only chance.”

“You can’t think like that.”  Trowa said, stepping over to Heero.  He tentatively placed a hand on Heero’s shoulder.

Heero shrugged Trowa’s hand away and stood.  “I can think any way I wish.”  Heero sneered.  “I ruined my only chance
because of my own cowardice.”  He turned to the nearest wall and punched it.  However, since the wall was made of stone, he
only succeeded in hurting himself.

“Heero, stop it.”  Trowa said, grabbing Heero by the shoulders.

He roughly pushed Trowa away.  “Get away from me!”  He shouted.  

“Heero, you can’t do this to yourself.  I’m sure that Duo will return in time.  Even if he hates you, he’ll return for his Gundam.  
He’s too dedicated to his missions to just abandon them.”  Trowa said, believing every word of it.

Heero sat on the edge of the bed.  He closed his eyes and sighed.  “Leave me alone.”  He said quietly.  “Just leave me alone.”

Trowa backed away, knowing that Heero probably did need some time to himself.  He closed the door as he stepped into the
hallway, hoping that Duo would be found soon.


A fresh wave of pain washed over Duo, as Carl once again forced his way into Duo’s battered body.  He closed his eyes tightly,
biting his lip to keep from crying out in agony.   

He couldn’t even remember what it was like to not feel pain.  He had been there so long, at least a month, maybe more.  He
couldn’t really be sure of how long he had been there.  

He wanted to die, wanted everything to just end.  Anything, if only to escape this horrible place for a few minutes.

Carl pulled out of him, pushing Duo roughly to the floor.  Duo let out a groan, and nothing more, as he landed on the hard
ground, irritating his bruised body.

Duo didn’t care anymore.  Nothing mattered anymore.  He was as good as dead.  No one cared about him.  No one would
rescue him.  

His body shivered violently.  He would give anything if the pain just stopped.  He had nothing to lose anymore.  Carl had already
stripped him of his dignity and freedom.  All he had left was self-hatred and pain.

Then Carl was kneeling beside him.  Once again, he held a syringe in his hand.  “Do you want the pain to stop?”  He asked,
waving the syringe in front of Duo’s eyes.

Duo wished there was another way, any way.  But the pain was so horrible, so agonizing.  “Y-yes.”  He said in a shuddered

“Then tell me you’re mine.”  Carl smiled, removing the plastic cap from the needle.

“I’m yours.”  He replied, a tear falling from his eye.

Carl pressed the plunger of the syringe up, making sure there were no air bubbles in it.  A spray of liquid shot out the tip.  “And
you’ll obey my every command.”  He demanded.

“Y-yes, your every command.  I’ll obey.”  

More tears fell from Duo’s eyes, as Carl placed the syringe on the floor beside him.  He pulled a strip of rubber out of his pocket
and tied it around Duo’s arm, tight enough to expose his veins.

“Because when you obey, you’ll be rewarded.  And when you don’t, the pain will return.”  Carl said, picking up the syringe
once again.  “And you don’t want to feel the pain, do you?”

“No. No more pain.”  Duo answered.  Soon the pain would stop, soon he would be free of the agony.

Carl smiled, “I don’t know if I should.  How do I know you won’t just leave the first chance you get?”

Duo weakly held out his shaking arm, wanting to get this over with.  “Please.”  He pleaded, just wanting the pain to end.

“Will you try to escape?”  Carl asked.

“Never.”  Duo replied, his voice weak.

“Swear it.”  

Duo’s hand was trembling, his whole body shaking.  He just wanted the pain to end.  Why wouldn’t Carl let the pain end.  “I
promise, I’ll never try to escape.”

Carl smiled again.  God, this was agony, Duo thought, as the shaking of his arm grew steadily worse.  He couldn’t hold it up
any more, it was just too heavy, and he was so tired.

Carl caught his arm as it fell.  “Good.”  He said, as he finally stuck the syringe into Duo’s arm, injecting the liquid into his vein.

It didn’t take long for the drugs to kick in.  A euphoric smile spread across Duo’s face as the pain slipped away.  Finally, he had
the relief he had been seeking, relief from all those unpleasant feelings and thoughts.  It all slipped away and it felt as if he was in
another world.  

It no longer mattered that now Carl would have complete control over him, that he would make Duo sell his body again.  Duo
would quickly become addicted to the drugs, to the relief from all the pain.  And then, he would do whatever Carl wanted, if
only to get more.  He knew that, but it no longer mattered to him.  At least he didn’t feel the pain anymore.  And that was all that
he cared about now.

To Be Continued . . .