Disclaimers:  I do not own Gundam Wing or any of its characters, nor do I own this song.

Notes:  A songfic.  The song is “How You Remind Me” by Nickelback.  
Warnings:  Mentions of abuse, suicide attempt, all sorts of depressing stuff.  In Duo’s perspective.  Enjoy.



How You Remind Me



Duo ran through the house, slamming the bathroom door shut behind himself.  This was all wrong . . . everything had just gone
wrong.  He thought he was happy, but why when he looked at himself in the mirror did he flinch at his own reflection?  Was it
the bruises that marred his features, or was it the fact that he hated what he was?


//Never made it as a wise man//


Duo had tried.  Lord knows he had tried.  When he had been a pilot, he had been the God of Death . . . an almost natural killing
machine.  But as soon as the war was over, he was lost.  Being a Preventer agent had failed . . . he had quit the first time that
Une had told him to straighten up . . . had looked her right in the eye and told her to fuck off.  He had laughed then, thinking he
was a genius, but now it just seemed like a bad idea.


//I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealin’//


He had gone back to living on the streets after that.  It was kinda like going back to his roots.  Only problem was that he didn’t
fare too well as a street kid anymore.  He had been arrested countless times, although he had always escaped before he had been
identified.  It was still embarrassing as hell to someone who had lived the life of a thief for so long.


//Tired of livin’ like a blind man
I’m sick of sight without a sense of feeling//


He looked at himself in the mirror again, his smile gone from his face, maybe permanently this time.  The bruises, old and new
stood out on his pale skin . . . he could see each and every mark that bastard had left on his skin.  Why hadn’t he left before?  
Why hadn’t he left the first time he had hit him?  Was he so blind to think that the guy loved him?  Or did he enjoy the abuse
himself?  It did make him feel alive . . . the pain reminding him that he still existed.  

However, now he saw . . . and he was filled with rage for letting himself get hurt like this.  Was he so starved for love that he
had to let that bastard do this?


//This is how you remind me
This is how you remind me of what I really am//


The hated shouts still run in his ears.  Hitting Duo was how he had controlled him, yelling at him that he was nothing more than
a filthy little street rat, had always kept Duo in line.  It was true though . . . Duo knew he was a worthless little nothing.  He
always had been and he always would be.


//It’s not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story//


He had never said he was sorry before.  All the beatings and never once had he apologized afterwards.  Duo had heard that
abusers tended to feel really guilty after hurting the one they loved.  Why did he have to be so different from everyone else?  

Usually it ended with a punch to his gut, then a quick fuck to relieve the jerk’s tension . . . it was only painful, never enjoyable to
Duo.  But Duo let him, knowing that as soon as his lover was unconscious that he’d be able to get out for a few hours.


//This time I’m mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking//


It was Duo’s own fault though . . . he knew that he had to be a major fuck-up to have ended up like this.  He did love the
bastard . . . maybe Duo should have just dropped off the face of the earth, or self-destructed along with his Gundam.  If Duo
hadn’t fallen for him, then this would never have happened.


//I’ve been wrong, I’ve been down, been to the bottom of every bottle//


Duo had been wrong to love him.  Because of it, Duo only ended up on the floor night after night, bleeding from numerous cuts,
too hurt to speak, almost too sore to breathe.  Drinking left Duo numb, which helped a little, but still he remained.  It was his
own fault that he was here and Duo knew it.


//These five words in my head scream “are we havin’ fun yet?”//


He looked at himself and just laughed.  Why did he stay here if he was only getting hurt?  Did he have some sick perversion?  
Did he really enjoy getting hit like this, to look at himself and see the countless bruises and wounds?  Did he perceive this as fun
or something?


//It’s not like you didn’t know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do//


Duo shook his head, his bangs falling to cover his eyes, his hair loose and caked with his own blood as he stood there.  It had
come loose sometime tonight . . . Duo wasn’t sure of when it had happened.  However, even after all this crap, Duo didn’t think
he could leave.  He did love him.  Even after all the crap, Duo still loved the jerk.


//And it must have been so bad
Cause livin’ with me damn near killed you//


Duo must be a pain to live with.  There had been attempts on his life during their relationship.  And his lover had almost always
got caught in the middle.  Maybe that was why he treated Duo like crap.  Perhaps it was his way of getting back at Duo for all
the times he had almost gotten killed for just being near him.


//This is how you remind me of what I really am
This is how you remind me of what I really am//


Each shout still rang through Duo’s head.  All the vicious little slurs shouted his way by the man he loved . . . they stung worse
than the bruises or cuts.  His lover was right though, Duo was nothing more than a filthy little beggar, a worthless little street rat
that should have died in the streets.  He should have died.


//It’s not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story//


Why had he apologized this time?  After all the abuse, why did he decide that now was the time to say that he was sorry to
Duo?  It just left Duo shaken, not understanding why.


//This time I’m mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking//


It was his own fault that he was like this, Duo knew it.  If he hadn’t fallen for him, then he would never have been hit.  Can’t
choose who you love.


//I’ve been wrong, I’ve been down, been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head scream “are we havin’ fun yet?”//


Duo opened the medicine cabinet, reaching in and shakily pulling out a package of razor blades.  He smirked, taking a swig from
the bottle he had in his hand.  He always seemed to have a drink in hand these days.  It was just easier to swallow liquid than
solid food.  Sure it left him a thin wreck, but Duo no longer cared.  Here he was, his face a mass of bruises, an eye swollen
shut, lips split, and he didn’t care anymore.


//Never made it as a wise man
I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealin’//


He had been a failure his entire life.  Maybe now it was time to end it.  He removed a razorblade from its protective casing.  
Then he smirked and took another swig of his drink before tossing it aside, letting it crash against the shower wall and shatter
into the tub.  It wouldn’t matter for much longer.  Soon he’d be free.

As he slid the blade along his wrists, he never heard the yells from outside the door.  He didn’t realize that a friend had come for
an unexpected visit.  No one had ever visited him before, why would anyone have come today?  It was no different than any
other day, except for the fact that Duo planned to end his misery once and for all.  Vaguely, Duo heard as the bathroom door
was broken down, but by then he was lying on the cool tiles of bathroom floor, quickly drifting into unconsciousness.


//This is how you remind me
This is how you remind me of what I really am//


He woke up in a strange room, something warm clasping his hand.  His head was throbbing horribly, everything about his body
hurting.  And he felt so nauseous.  He felt so terrible that he knew he was still alive.  Being dead wouldn’t feel this bad.  God,
why hadn’t he died?  

Duo opened his eyes, only to blink in confusion at the sight of Heero Yuy sitting by his bedside.  Heero had been gone for years,
had left without a trace after the Mariemaia incident.  Why was he here now?

“What’s up?”  Duo asked, frowning as his voice came out all scratchy.

“What were you trying to do?”  Heero asked.  “Why kill yourself, Duo?”

Duo glanced down, noticing the bandages around his wrists.  He must have gone through with it this time.  Too bad he had
failed.  “Felt like the right thing to do at the time.”  Duo answered.

“It wasn’t.”  Heero stated simply.  He paused, then looked to the floor, leaving Duo amazed to see so much expression from the
usually calm young man.  He had never seen Heero looking so emotional.  “I came to see you.”  Heero said.  “Your door was
wide open so I just walked in.  When I heard something crash, I ran to your bathroom and broke down your door, only to find
you lying in your own blood.  Why, Duo?  Why do this?”

Duo looked away, “No other choice.  I kill myself, he kills me, either way I end up dead.  It would only have been a matter of
time before one of his punches hit a little too hard.”  

Duo blinked, feeling as a hand clasped his own.  “There are other ways, Duo.  You could have just left him.”  Heero said.


//It’s not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story//


“I’m sorry I left like that.”  Heero said.  “I left you . . . and I can never forgive myself for that.”

Duo nearly gasped, never have expected hearing that.  Heero had never done anything but ignore him all through the wars,
brushing of his flirting without care.  Had he felt something for Duo?  Was there any hope left in Duo’s broken heart to believe
that the love of his life actually loved him in return?


//This time I’m mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking//


No, he couldn’t love Duo.  This was a lie.  Duo wrenched his hand away from Heero.  “Go away, Heero.  I don’t need your
pity.”  

Heero placed his hands on either side of Duo’s face, forcing him to look him right in the eye, causing a throbbing ache in his
face from the bruises that he was touching so roughly.  “I love you, Duo Maxwell.  It took me a long time to realize that . . .
almost too long.”


//I’ve been wrong, I’ve been down, been to the bottom of every bottle//


Duo blinked, feeling the tears in his eyes.  It couldn’t be true.  Why would Heero torment him like this?  Was this all some cruel
joke?

“You can’t.”  Duo said, his body beginning to shiver.  “I’m a worthless nobody.”

Heero smiled, a real honest-to-God smile.  It left Duo gasping in shock to see such a wonderful expression on that normally
stoic face.  “No, you are worth so much more than you think.  You have friends that care about you.  And I do love you.”  
Heero said, gently brushing his hands through Duo’s bangs, his touch sending a shudder throughout Duo’s tired body.

“But . . .”  Duo started.

Heero shook his head, laying a finger over Duo’s lips to hush him.  “Don’t say anything, Duo.  I know you’re not ready for any
kind of relationship.  You have to have time to heal first.  I just want you to know that I’ll be there if you need me.  And when
you’re ready, then perhaps you would consider . . .”

“A date?”  Duo asked, finishing Heero’s words.

Heero smiled again.  “A date.”  He nodded.  “Please, get better first.  I want you to feel the same for yourself as I do.  I love
you, Duo.  I want you to love yourself too.”

Duo nodded.  “I’ll try.”  He smiled, a real smile for the first time in so many years.


//These five words in my head scream “are we havin’ fun yet?”//