Disclaimers:  I do not own the song, nor do I own the Harry Potter characters.

Notes:  The song is ‘My Immortal’ by Evanescence.  A sad song and a sad fic . . . I hope you all like angst.  Lupin looks back
on memories of Sirius Black with sadness.  This takes place months after the incidents at the Ministry of Magic . . . in my own
little universe of course.



My Immortal




//I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears//


Remus Lupin sat alone in his room at Number Twelve Grimmauld Place.  His thoughts circled around one image, focused
intently on one person that was no longer with him . . . Sirius Black.  His friend . . . his lover . . . was dead, forever taken from
him in one instant that Lupin would never forget.

He was weary of this . . . of the pain . . . of the memories.  He wanted it to end.  He chided himself for crying, for behaving so
like a child.  Wiping roughly at his reddened eyes, he fought back the tears and feelings, knowing that he would look like a fool
should anyone enter this room.  Though . . . in the back of his mind, he knew that no one would enter.


//And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
’cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone//


It had been months since Sirius had died.  And still, Lupin couldn’t get over it.  Sirius’ ghost haunted him, though not in the
literal sense.  Lupin wished that the last speck of a reminder would leave him, that he could simply forget the memory left
behind.

But he couldn’t be rid of the memories, no matter how hard he had tried.  He wanted to forget, to stop the pain that ate away at
his heart.  His soul ached with every remembrance . . . with the laugh that he could still hear in the back of his thoughts.

The image in his mind played over and over again.  He could see Sirius, fighting amongst the rest . . . trying to save the day.  
And then the fall . . . the way he had slipped through the veil.  Lupin couldn’t forget . . . and he so longed to forget.


//These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase//


He couldn’t be consoled.  The others had tried.  Even Harry had attempted to cheer him, though it was obvious that the boy
was in just as much anguish as Lupin himself was, perhaps even more so.  Sirius had been the last of Harry’s family, even if he
had only been Godfather to the boy.  Could that be compared with the love between Lupin and Sirius?  Lupin and Sirius had
only been together a short time, though their friendship had lasted years.  He had been family to Harry . . . to Lupin, he had
been but a mere glimpse of love . . . a taunting flicker of passion in Lupin’s lonely life.

Before him, he saw Sirius as he had been when they had been in school together.  The healthy, beautiful young man that he had
been, not the worn skeletal man that had finally taken him, body and soul.  He reached out, only to find nothing before him . . .
as he thought, only another torture from his mind . . . a cruel trick that his heart played on him.

Sirius was gone.  Nothing would ever change that.  But the pain was too much to bear.  Perhaps it would be better to remain in
this place of dreams . . . to live his life in fantasy when all that he had held dear in his real life was no longer with him.


//When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years//


He remembered the nights when Sirius had awakened, screaming at the top of his lungs.  Sirius had so often suffered through
terrible nightmares.  His dreams were plagued with visions of Azkaban, remembering his incarceration and the harsh betrayal
by Peter.  Sirius had lingered in the images of James and Lily . . . of Harry hating him, or worse . . . of Harry being killed
before his eyes.  The nightmares made him cry . . . made him scream.  And always, Lupin had been there to comfort him, to
hold him as he had wept . . . as he had suffered.

Even back in school, Lupin had been the one they had all turned to when in need of comfort, as if he were the only one capable
of giving it.  Sirius’ home life had always been hard . . . his mother had never approved of him.  Lupin had consoled him then .
. . had always tried to help his friend . . . the one he had loved for as long as he could remember.


//But you still have
All of me//


Sirius Black had possessed him, body and soul.  There had never been anything that Lupin wouldn’t do for him.  Lupin had
given himself over willingly . . . and in his heart, he still belonged solely to Sirius Black.


//You used to captivate me
By your resonating life//


His thoughts drifted back to their days in school again.  Sirius had always been so handsome . . . so strong . . . not only in
body but in spirit as well.  The force of life held within his body had contaminated Lupin’s sad heart, giving him hope that he
could lead a normal life, that he could be loved by someone.  Sirius’ spirit had been so luminous a light . . . it had captured
Lupin’s heart when they had first met.  Even if he hadn’t understood the feelings, he knew now that he had loved Sirius Black
back then.


//Now I’m bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me//


Now though, Lupin was trapped in the pain of these memories.  They shackled him to the ground, forcing him into the
darkness in his soul.  Sirius was gone.  The one shimmering light in his life had faded into nothingness, and now stood only as
a painful memory of what they had once shared with each other.

His voice taunted Lupin’s memories.  Images of him invaded Lupin’s dreams.  His every waking moment was left with only
thoughts of a lover who would not be forgotten.  He was getting lost in this depression . . . it was so deep that he didn’t think
he would ever be able to crawl his way out again.


//These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase//


He would never be without this heartache, he knew that.  Sirius was his only love.  He would never find another that stole his
breath the way that Sirius had.


//When you’d cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me//


He stood, moving over to his bed, his body numb.  He laid down, curling his arms around the pillow that Sirius had often used.  
He could still smell the scent of Sirius’ body . . . the salty tang of his dried tears.  When Lupin closed his eyes, he could almost
imagine that Sirius was there beside him again . . . that he was still holding Sirius, quieting his love after another of his
nightmares.


//I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along//


He opened his eyes, his throat burning with tears when he found himself alone.  He buried his face against the pillow, clawing
at the softness.  He didn’t want to be alone, but he was.

No matter how hard he tried though, he couldn’t stop this . . . this ache that filled every fiber of his being.  It was as if there
was a part of him expecting Sirius to walk through that door and kiss him . . . like he had done countless times before.  Or that
Lily and James would send a letter inviting him for dinner some night.

For some reason, he couldn’t convince his heart that they were gone.  James . . . Lily . . . Sirius . . . they were all gone.  Lupin
was as he had always been . . . alone.


//When you’d cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years//


Where was the person who would comfort him in the night, in the midst of his heartache?  Where was the one he could cling
to during this horrible pain that clutched at his very soul?  Where was the lover who would comfort him when he screamed in
agony?

There was no one.  He was alone.  He knew that he would always be alone.

It was then that the door quietly opened.  Slowly and carefully, the youth entered, moving without sound to the side of the bed
where Lupin lay.  Not saying a word, Harry Potter laid down beside him, tears marring his own features.  His fingers delicately
swept away the tears from Lupin’s eyes, offering comfort in his gentle touches.  He wrapped his shaking arms around Lupin’s
shuddering body, burying his face against the elder man’s chest.

Lupin couldn’t help himself.  He was too desperate for the simple sign of affection, for the knowledge that he didn’t have to
suffer alone.

He fell into the arms of this young man.  There was no commitment between them . . . no offerings of love . . . there was only
friendship, the soothing balm of mutual comfort.

The two of them cried against each other, soothing each other in this time of grief.  They held onto each other until weariness
won out and much needed sleep came to them both.  For once, Lupin didn’t feel as if he were alone . . . as if he had to suffer
in solitude.  There was someone who cared, even if only as a friend . . . but a friend was just what he needed now.


//But you still have
All of me//


Even in his dreams, Lupin remembered the one simple truth that would never be forgotten.  Now and forever . . . Sirius Black
would always have his heart . . . his soul.



The End